Today I realized that I am scared about going abroad.
17 days until I depart and that is fucking terrifying. Don't get me wrong, I am also excited, anxious and positive about what is to come, but I have to also come to grips with the feeling of fear. It is natural for people who study abroad to feel fear. It is natural for me to feel fear.
I knew this before today, and I know it as I write this now, but today I had to convince myself this was true as thoughts of being isolated danced through my head. Thoughts of not being smart enough for the work load leaped around my brain. Thoughts of keeping up at home twirling out of my ears.
I am extroverted. Anyone that knows me is laughing when they read that because it is an understatement, but one of my biggest fears for the next three months is not making connections on top of limited contact with my tribe back home; or in other words, being essentially alone for the duration of my time in Scotland. I don't do well being alone for a full week, so this is especially daunting.
I know the likelihood of me not making good friends is slim, but I have also come to grips today with being okay and still enjoying myself if I don't. I can grow as a person, learn immense amounts and have fun with myself.
I am taking three 4 credit history courses while I am away. That is a ton of history to keep straight, a crap load of homework, and it will all be in a new university format. Different standards, new expectations. I get overwhelmed thinking about the work I have ahead of me. Am I smart enough to take on 12 credits of history at once? Am I strong enough to emotionally handle the stress of adapting as I learn in a new country? I am. I pride myself on my knowledge. I know that the reward of doing it is worth the effort, no matter how extreme it feels.
Finally, the fear of getting left behind at home. Not physical of course, but in knowledge within my social spheres, my extra-curricular passions, my place at Western. I want to still be in the loop and keeping up with my home. I don't want to feel like I don't belong anymore.
I had to remind myself that I am adaptable. I have friends that will update me and help me stay on top of my Western stuff. Sure I will miss inside jokes, new people in my friends lives and a crap ton of music practice, but it just makes coming home more exciting.
So while I realized that I am scared to do this, I also realized that it is okay to be.